This is a long post, and I'll understand if you don't read it, but I hope some of you will because it might help you to understand me better.
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I am a bit crazy

I’d like to take up some of your time today to try, and I emphasize try, to illuminate what I mean when I say that. Why it is that I see myself as crazy yet I function almost like a regular every day person with a job. First, allow me to say that by crazy I don’t mean psychotic. That’s a very distinct thing that I am not. Modern media and historical literature has us all convinced that crazy people behave like people having a complete break with reality, or a psychotic break. That’s not me! So let me try to paint you a picture and describe myself, not physically, but mentally. To try to give you an idea of what happens in my mind over the course of a day. 

Waking up, I am greeted by softly rising tones and as I open my eyes I am greeted by the muted light shining through the blinds on the windows above my head. I see the orange headboard and the multi-colored bohemian style curtains and in my mind there is a jumble of fading dreamy images and sounds. I ask the alarm to stop and it does so, giving me a weather forecast for the day. My body aches because I tend to move around a lot as I sleep and end up in positions that my back and neck are not happy with, but a few moments of twisting and stretching takes care of that. 

I walk into the bathroom for the normal activities, a morning routine, if you will, and I then seek out the clothing I wear to go to work. First a shirt then socks and then a pair of dark colored slacks. Odds are I left the black non-slip sneakers in the other room, so I slip into my clothes and then walk out there. I go into what passes for a kitchen in my home and I make some coffee. Maybe decaf maybe regular; who knows? But then I light a candle for the gods and I sit and watch a bit of news as the coffee brews. I only have about an hour before I have to go, so I just make a single cup and take my medications with it. I normally eat nothing in the morning.
 
You may think that this sounds normal, and it is, but what is going on in my mind is a different story. There are a jumble of thoughts, dialogues, self affirmations and recriminations, songs, both real and imagined, and even things like shopping lists that I can’t afford anyway traipsing through my mind and needing to be sorted and put into their proper place before I can take the bus to work and use that time to meditate to help bring my mind into focus so I can do my work without wanting to murder people, metaphorically speaking, as I already said I am not psychotic.

On the bus I play Deva Premal or something Enya-like and I close my eyes so that I can focus on the mantra or lyrics to exclude other things. My mind doesn’t really allow that, I always end up meandering through 20 spontaneous thoughts, but it does allow me to cycle through. My mind meanders, I can go back to the mantra/lyrics and move forward. As I do this I find myself more focused because my mind settles on just a couple of things and then works through them during the day. 

Yes, it doesn’t stop!

By the time I get to work it is settled down, but as I said, it doesn’t actually stop. The thoughts, dialogues, songs, etc., are all with me all the time, but meditating and medication, helps me keep it at a reasonable level. 

I want to be clear here, I don’t hear voices, or rather, I do, but I know they are all me. My mind having discussions with itself, I do not confuse my inner voices with other people or coming from outside my own mind. I am not schizophrenic or delusional. I know what is in my mind is me. The problem is that it never stops. 

Understand that as I get to work, taking care of people who come into the restaurant, I become a different aspect of me. The affable, kind, and funny me, which I admit is my favorite aspect, and it works for me because in this line of work it is what I need. It also allows me to spend hours being positive and kind, which I not only enjoy but also influences my mental state, giving me another boost in developing better mental health. It has worked better since I started my current job than my previous one, in which nothing was appreciated and everything was expected even if I wasn’t being paid for it. I did that for 18 years and then was discarded, and I am grateful for that.

Talking to customers can sometimes be challenging because my mind is going all the time, but I have gotten great at compartmentalizing my mind in these situations so that the words screaming through my head remain there, because my mind can be unkind, and unfairly so, but me, the one in control is not and does not want to be and works almost daily to scold the rest of my mind. I sometimes wonder what a thought is. Why do these thoughts pop up like this and in such numbers, and my conclusion is that they are old ways in which I dealt with things. Kind of like memories that are sparked into being by situations that seem familiar. I don’t know, but I might be right. 

As the hours pass, I start to become tired because while my body can handle long days or busy days, the constant moderation of my mind takes its toll. I don’t get a break, so whether I work five hours or eleven, I have to be on the go, and that includes the stress of knowing that I have to do a lot of things that other workers here just refuse to do even though it is their job. I am conscientious enough to not want to leave those things undone, so I take on the burden. I lay it on my shoulders. 

As I get tired of all these mental gymnastics of keeping my mind in line, my anti-depressant does its part. It allows me focus in a way that meditation does not. It dulls my impulses, and I want to touch on that too, but allow me a moment to describe what Zoloft does for me. 

Without it, my mind turns dark. My ability to compartmentalize shatters, and my control over my own impulses is nearly zero. I become frazzled and stressed and I start to lose control of my reasoning self. I hope that makes sense, because what it means is that I become a bit raving and shaky. Imagine a day long panic attack. Zoloft allows me to keep all of that under control and, best of all, it allows my emotions to subtly inform me rather than control me. I imagine this is what it feels like to be a Vulcan. If you know you know!

Impulsivity, however, is where I have problems. Internal impulsivity, the impulse to say things I shouldn’t, that I can control, but external impulsivity, the doing of things that I shouldn’t, that I have a lot of problems with. I became celibate over ten years ago because I was having sex on impulse. Didn’t matter with whom, just that I had it. Knowing this, simply giving it up all together proved to be the only solution that would work for me. I wish I could do this with food, because I have impulsive eating issues as well, but unlike sex, I can’t just stop eating all together. And then there is money. I have a problem, not with being a compulsive shopper, I am not, but with how my impulsivity influences my ability to perceive the future. I live in the now, in a dreamland of today, the feelings of now and the thoughts of now, they are me, and tomorrow’s me almost never crosses my mind. This means that I no longer know how much money I have or need for tomorrow, just what I have right now and what I might need right now. I have been trying to find methods to help me. Reminders, notes, sheets that help me track,, but none of them work right for me. I have tried apps, but they tend to be convoluted and in the end prove to be a hindrance. 

When I say I live in a dreamland, I am not being facetious. I really do live in a kind of dreamland. I am perfectly aware of the world around me. Like I said, I am not delusional, but in my mind there is an entire world. Stories and imaginary situations that I fall into and work through. It’s almost like my brain is showing me scenarios, both real and imagined, and my reasoning mind goes into them to solve them or further their creation. If you are ever talking to me, and you notice that I seem to be elsewhere at the same time we are talking, that’s where I am. That’s the best way I know of to describe it. Like a dreamworld that I go into and work out things that I might experience some day, or better ways to have handled in the past, or things that are fiction that I can weave into a kind of story. If I had the discipline, I think I could write a book. A sprawling tale of imaginary worlds at war with their own.

By the time my shift ends, I tend to be mentally exhausted, but my mind is also a bit more quiet. Perhaps it has worked too hard and needs a nap, but at this time of my work day I am the clearest I am all day. Tired, but more clear and with less mental stress. My mind is still a bit busy, but not crazy busy. On my way home I also close my eyes and follow my meditation routine so that by the time I get home I feel relaxed and mentally I start to feel like a normal person. Still a lot happening up there but just normal stuff. My imagination is calmer and I close myself off in my home and in the quiet routines of my life, which are sometimes not so calm since I like to play music loudly, I can just be me. No pretense, no sense that I have to be someone other than my own messy self or to please anyone. 

I watch YouTube or a movie or something, I eat, and I eventually shower and go to bed to eventually repeat the whole thing over again. I rarely go out or see friends because being out there brings all of this back out in me. I might go see a movie once in a while, because it is like being alone, but for the most part, I remain alone and assured that I am not being too crazy since no one can see it. 

Blessings to you, and much love!

#mentalhealth #gettoknowme #confessions